The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I met the friendliest cop last night
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
