Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
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