don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
