i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
