oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Randomize
