There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
