I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
