I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize