I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
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