She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
