after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
