i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
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