also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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