I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize
