My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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