Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Randomize
