i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
