my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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