wanna go halves on a baby?
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
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