I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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