I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize