i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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