What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
what day is it and did you see me today?
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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