Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
