We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
