WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
