Being 21 is my favorite hobby I'm really good at it
Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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