I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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