The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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