I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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