Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
