I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
