I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
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