Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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