I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Is it because I queefed?
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize
