She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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