dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
