just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
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