So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
