just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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