Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
