I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
so let's talk penis.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
