i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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