Duck Duck Cougar?
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
