After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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