Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
