he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
