For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
