This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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