so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
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