I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
