she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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