i wish there were pregnant emoticons
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
