Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
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