just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
We need to rekindle our bromance
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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