So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
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