no, he came in my armpit
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
