Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize