bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
