Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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