In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
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